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Topic Home ∑ Related:  

monitoring Monitoring your childís contact with his or her surrounding world

Do you need to be a superhero with x-ray vision and eyes in the back of your head to be a careful monitor? Of course not. You donít need to be with your child every minute of every day, either. Being a careful monitor combines asking questions and paying attention, with making decisions, setting limits, and encouraging your childís positive choices when you arenít there.

monitoring_textWhen your child is young, monitoring seems easy because you are the one making most of the decisions. You decide who cares for your child; you decide what your child watches or listens to; you decide who your child plays with. If something or someone comes in contact with your child, youíre usually one of the first to know.

Things may change as your child gets older, especially after school begins and into the pre-teen and teen years. As kids begin to learn about their own personalities, they sometimes clash with their parentsí personalities. A parentís ability to actively monitor is often one of the first things to suffer from this clash.

Parents need to monitor their childrenís comings and goings through every age and stage of growth.

Being an active monitor can be as simple as answering some basic questions:

  • Who is your child with?
  • What do you know about the person(s) your child is with?
  • Where is your child?
  • What is your child doing?
  • When will your child be home/leaving?
  • How is your child getting there/home?

You wonít always have detailed answers to these questions, but itís important to know most of the answers, most of the time.

You may also want to keep these things in mind when being an active monitor:

  • Open the lines of communication when your child is young and keep those lines open.
    It seems obvious, but honest communication is crucial. When your child is young, talk openly about things you do when you arenít with your child; then ask your child what he or she does during those times. As your child gets older, keep up this type of communication. Both you and your child have to take part in open, two-way communication.

  • Tell your child what thoughts and ideals you value and why.
    For instance, if being respectful to adults is an ideal you want your child to have, tell him or her; even more importantly, tell him or her why you think itís important. Donít assume that your child knows your reasons for valuing one practice or way of behaving over another.

  • behaviors-text.gif
  • Know what your child is watching, reading, playing, or listening to.
    Because TV, movies, video games, the Internet, and music are such a large part of many of our lives, they can have a huge influence on kids. Be sure you know what your childís influences are. You canít help your child make positive choices if you donít know what web sites he or she visits or what he or she reads, listens to, watches, or plays.

  • Know the people your child spends time with.
    Because you canít be with your child all the time, you should know who is with your child when youíre not. Friends have a big influence on your child, from pre-school well into adulthood. Much of the time, this influence is positive, but not always. With a little effort from you, your child might surround him or herself with friends whose values, interests, and behaviors will be ďplusesĒ in your childís life. Your child also spends a lot of time with his or her teachers. Teachers play a vital role in your childís development and overall well-being, so get to know your childís teachers, too.

  • Give direction without being rigid.
    In some cases, not being allowed to do something only makes your child want to do it more. Is the answer just plain ďnoĒ or does it depend on the circumstances? ďYes, but only if...Ē is a useful option when making decisions.

To find out how some parents use monitoring in their daily parenting practices, visit the section that relates to your childís age. Or you can read on to learn about mentoring.

A special note to those of you with pre-teens or teenagers4,5

Keep in mind that even if youíre the most careful monitor, your child may have friends and interests that you donít understand or donít approve of. You may not like the music she listens to, or the clothes he wears, or the group she ďhangs outĒ with. Some of these feelings are a regular part of the relationship between children and adults. Before you take away the music or forbid your child to see that friend, ask yourself this question:

Is this (person, music, TV show) a destructive influence?

In other words, is your child hurting anyone or being hurt by what he or she is doing, listening to, wearing, or who he or she is spending time with? If the answer is ďno,Ē you may want to think before you act, perhaps giving your child some leeway. Itís likely that taking music away, not letting your child watch a certain show, or barring your child from spending time with a friend will create a conflict between you and your child. Make sure that the issue is important enough to insist upon. Think about whether your actions will help or hurt your relationship with your child, or whether your actions are necessary for your child to develop healthy attitudes and behaviors. You may decide that setting a volume limit for the radio is better than having a fight about your childís choice of music.

Being your childís mentor can keep your child from being hurt by encouraging him or her to act in reasonable ways. Now letís think about mentoring.

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∑ Introduction
∑ So where do we start?
∑ RPM3: How responding, preventing, monitoring, mentoring, and modeling can help you be a successful parent
∑ Responding
∑ Prevention
∑ Monitoring
∑ Mentoring
∑ Modeling
∑ Now what should I do?
∑ Under 3
∑ Under 3: Responding
∑ Under 3: Prevention
∑ Under 3: Monitoring
∑ Under 3: Mentoring
∑ Under 3: Modeling
∑ Between 4 and 10
∑ 4 to 10: Responding
∑ 4 to 10: Prevention
∑ 4 to 10: Monitoring
∑ 4 to 10: Mentoring
∑ 4 to 10: Modeling
∑ Between 11 and 14
∑ 11 to 14: Responding
∑ 11 to 14: Prevention
∑ 11 to 14: Monitoring
∑ 11 to 14: Mentoring
∑ 11 to 14: Modeling
∑ RPM3 Summary
∑ References


∑ Easing the Teasing: How Parents Can Help Their Children
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∑ Parenting Style and Its Correlates
∑ Positive Discipline
∑ Recent Perspectives on Charter Schools: A Review for Parents
∑ Stress and Young Children
∑ Supporting Girls in Early Adolescence
∑ The Debate over Spanking


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∑ Health Tip: Recognizing Attention-Deficit Disorder
∑ A Survival Guide For A Safe Holiday Season
∑ Enhancing Early Parent-Infant Interaction. Part Two: Positive Touch
∑ Specific Behaviors May Influence Family Health


∑ [2] Articles
∑ [2] Associations
∑ [5] Community
∑ [2] FAQs
∑ [45] Information
∑ [1] Research
∑ [1] Software
∑ [1] Self-Help


∑ A Little Pregnant
∑ About a Boy
∑ Bringing Up Parents
∑ But I Love Him
∑ Children of the Self-Absorbed
∑ Exiting Nirvana
∑ Family Bound
∑ Find Me
∑ For Lesbian Parents
∑ Inside the American Couple
∑ Intrusive Parenting
∑ Lizzy's Do's and Don'ts
∑ Love Works Like This
∑ Misconceptions
∑ Mothers Who Kill Their Children
∑ Myths of Childhood
∑ Ophelia's Mom
∑ Parenting and the Child's World
∑ Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager
∑ Problem Child or Quirky Kid?
∑ Raising America
∑ Raising Kids in an Age of Terror
∑ Raising Resilient Children
∑ Strong, Smart, & Bold
∑ Survival Strategies for Parenting Children with Bipolar Disorder
∑ Surviving a Borderline Parent
∑ The Epidemic
∑ The Gay Baby Boom
∑ The Nurture Assumption
∑ The Other Parent
∑ What Our Children Teach Us
∑ Worried All the Time
∑ Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!